Emotional and Stress management | To be true to yourself, you will have inner freedom
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(Reprinted from China.org.cn Psychological China)A 20-year-old girl who came to counseling told me that she couldn't help but feel that others were judging her in her interactions。
I asked, "Someone else, who do you mean?？What are they saying about you？”
She was stunned, as if she hadn't really thought about it before。
Then she replied, "I feel like everyone's judging me, maybe they're like, 'This girl's not pretty,' or 'this girl's dark,' or 'She's not a great person.'"。
I asked, "Are these things about yourself？”
She replied, "Yes。”
Later, I talked to her about the concept of projection, the idea that we project our thoughts and feelings onto the outside world。For example, a person is very insecure in his heart, if he takes the child, he will remind the child everywhere to pay attention to safety, beware of injury, because the world he sees is full of insecurity, it is very easy to get hurt。
I also talked to her about how ideas don't equal facts。
Those comments are what she thinks about herself in her head, not what others really think about her, and her thoughts are not equal to facts。
The psychological characteristic of the client is that he lives in the imaginary relationship being evaluated。
Nowhere is this more evident than in adolescence。
Here's what adolescents have: an imaginary arena -- they're overly concerned with their self-image, thinking that others will be paying attention to them,I think that I am in a brightly lit stage, and every move is concerned and evaluated by others。
This state of mind can produce internal conflict。
For example, he buys a nice new dress and wants to wear it very much, because he wants to show himself, but he thinks that wearing it will attract attention and judgment from others, which he does not want, and he has an inner conflict。
This kind of inner conflict, a lot of people in adolescence experience。
The important task of adolescence is to find identity, also known as identity
Erikson divides personality development into eight stages, and believes that people have corresponding tasks and topics to complete at each stage, if they are successfully completed, they will obtain a valuable quality, and on the contrary, the topics left behind will appear again in the next stage, requiring you to make up for it。
The main task of adolescence (12-18 years) is to establish a new sense of identity (identity) or image of oneself in the eyes of others, as well as an emotional place in the social group。The crisis at this stage is role confusion。
"This sense of oneness is also a sense of growing self-confidence, an inner continuity and sense of identity (one's psychological self) that has been formed from past experiences," Erikson said.。If this sense of self is commensurate with how one feels in the eyes of others, it will obviously add a brilliant color to one's career。”
People who successfully complete this life task will form the quality of "loyalty"。
Loyal to whom？Loyalty to myself - I know who I am, I can stand in the world, my relationship with others is equal, not the relationship between evaluation and evaluation。
Erickson defines loyalty as "the ability to hold on to one's self-affirming identity despite the necessary contradictions of the value system.。”
You can interpret this as: I know who I am, and I firmly believe in my own worth, regardless of the external evaluation system。
To be honest, this was not easy to do, and the visitor did not finish it before the age of 18。
How to obtain self-identity and break free from the imaginary relationship of being evaluated？
1. Learn to recognize yourself
Being overly concerned about the evaluation of others and over-speculating about the needs and feelings of others in the relationship is related to the client's family of origin。
Her parents were strict and critical。She got 98 points, her parents would say to her, you can also get 100 points, if she is not good at the exam, her parents are more difficult to accept than she is。She internalized the way her parents treated her and was harsh and demanding on herself。
When she began to say more and more to me in counseling, "I'm not easy," "I think I'm OK," I knew she was beginning to see herself and recognize herself。
A person is good or not, there is no unified standard, but it is very important to feel that you are good。
Adler said, "The greatest misfortune of man is to dislike himself.。”
When you like yourself and feel good about yourself, it means that you recognize yourself and feel valuable。
When a person feels valued, he will believe in himself more, pay more attention to his own feelings and preferences, and it is easier to establish his own evaluation system, rather than relying on external evaluation。
2. Find or build an external environment that suits you
Environment is very important to a person's self-recognition。
What does the environment include？Family, school, workplace, regular relationships。
The aforementioned visitors have such great growth and change, not all due to the credit of psychological counseling, but also the influence of external good environment。
During the time she was consulting me, she fell in love with a boyfriend who was emotionally stable, and the relationship played a role in nourishing and healing her。
Career development is not her, during the consultation also met a like-minded friend, two people quit together to start a business。Although the business is hard, but this friend will recognize her, encourage her, in the work, she finally got a certain sense of accomplishment。
Encountering people and situations that recognize you can help a person build up a sense of self-worth more quickly, thus becoming more determined inside and more likely to transcend external standards of evaluation and judgment。
It can be seen that a person should know how to actively look for their own environment, but also know how to create their own small environment。
3. Focus on the bigger picture
People who are stuck in hypothetical evaluative relationships may, at their core, be too self-centered, too concerned with how they appear to others。If he could try to shift the focus from himself to someone else, to the outside world, his troubles would most likely be solved。
According to the book "The Courage to Be Hated", in order to transform the attachment to oneself into concern for others and build a sense of community, three things need to be done: "self-acceptance", "trust in others" and "contribution by others".。
Related to what we're talking about"Others contribute", it is not self-sacrifice, but "I am useful to the community" or "I am useful to others and contribute".。
Happiness is a sense of contribution。
A person, if he can truly have a sense of contribution, then he no longer needs the recognition of others。Because even if you don't have to go out of your way to seek validation from others, you can feel "I'm useful to others."。
The book makes a very important point: Other contributions can also be invisible contributions。In other words, when making contributions to others, even if the contribution is invisible to others, as long as the heart can produce the subjective feeling of "I am useful to others", that is, "the sense of contribution", it is OK。
For example, work is a kind of contribution of others, and we work more for the purpose of finding our own sense of belonging in the collective, rather than simple satisfaction. When we make our own contribution to the collective, we gain the sense of belonging and the realization of self-value。
Our perception and value judgment of the work is important to our perception of the contribution of others。
In the same bricklaying, some people feel that they are just building a wall, others feel that they are building a beautiful home。
The inner feelings and happiness of these two people could not be more different。
When a person can confirm that they are useful to others, they will naturally pay less attention to whether others recognize them and how to evaluate themselves。
(By meiya)
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编辑:Zhang Xiule
